Officials at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued a rare “Red Alert” when officials noticed an especially high concentration of STD emissions around Hollywood. At first officials were concerned a “skank” bomb had been released.

Field agents quickly pin-pointed the source to be nothing more than Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson hanging out together. “I guess this is how Paris is reinventing herself and cleaning up her act,” said an unnamed source, who continued. “Do you realize these two have screwed over half the population of Hollywood ? It’ll take weeks to get the smell out of the streets.”